Things have been off for me the past couple of weeks and I’ve been in an emotional place. Have you been there before? You know, those times where your mind bounces from one thing to another and your heart feels heavy but you don’t know why. You know you are searching but you don’t know exactly what you are searching for. You can feel it, that something lying there just under the surface that you can’t quite touch. And so you shrink into yourself and you hide from life. That’s where I have been living as of late. In that disconnect between Day One or One Day. It’s why I joined Samantha’s Start of the Year Soul Planner. And then my visit to my daughters, my days at the ocean (my healing place), the photos I’ve taken, my writing and the gentle nudge I’m getting-they all have me asking what’s next and I know if I can sit with this season of unrest the answer will come. That is the place this blog blossomed from and I know I am only beginning to tap into it.
So I ask myself, why then did I stop? Why did I back away from it soon after I started? Fear? Insecurity? Maybe it’s nothing more than the fact that I have been ill and not at my best. Maybe I don’t need to beat myself up for stopping. If we had a friend who was ill we would ask them what we could do to make it better. We would offer our assistance. Why then are we so hard on ourselves when it’s us? I have a chronic illness that affects my every day and then when I returned from vacation I got shingles and I shouldn’t be surprised my overall health and well being has been affected. When you live with a chronic illness like I do any disruption in the ordinary can wreak havoc on my body and my mind. Maybe there is no other reason why I disconnected. However, that nagging feeling of what next still has me on edge and I can honestly say at this point I don’t have an answer and instead of stepping forward into my discomfort I have stayed in limbo, in that place of disconnect, but now it’s time to emerge and start again.
A very dear friend sent me a message that said “That magic you are seeking, it is in the work you are avoiding.” That’s it, nothing else. She didn’t have to say anything else and she knew it. She knew exactly what she needed to say to nudge me forward. Ah yes our female friends. Our tribes. The ones who point our way back to us when we have wandered off.
I’m blessed with some amazing circles and I finally stepped outside again to join some of them last night for dinner. I came away-as I always do-feeling grounded, centered, stronger and ready.
This morning I woke up and I started my morning with the soundtrack from The Greatest Showman. If you have never listened to it you should. It is full of songs about empowerment and risks and stepping outside the box. You know what though? You can only embrace the risks if you are brave enough to embrace YOU. And that is the journey I am on. The journey to embracing who I am and owning it. I can fill myself full of “why would someone what to read what I write” and “why would someone choose to print my photos” or I can start by writing one sentence. I can start by editing one photo. Just one and that would be a step. I am new at all of this. I have never edited a photo but the great thing about digital photography is if you mess it up, you can undo your edits and go back start again. We can’t undo life, but we can always always start again.