Hello lovely souls, how are you today? How many times are we asked this question and respond with “I’m good, how are you?” even when we are anything but good. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to own how we truly are and answer I’m tired today or I’m really feeling empty today or any other host of truths of how we really feel. That was one of my many reasons for joining Samantha’s workshops, to learn to own my truth. And my truth today is that I’m feeling frustrated but hopeful. Its a chilly day here in Upstate NY. My fireplace is on and glowing in the background with some soft music to soothe my soul. I have a glorious few hours to myself with coffee in hand and no agenda except meeting myself and all of you in this space.
First let me tell you a little about me. I am 53 years old, a mother of three amazing adult children-1 son 2 daughters-and 4 wonderful grandchildren-3 boys all belonging to my son and 1 girl who is my oldest daughter’s child-who are my greatest gift in this life. My son and his family and my youngest daughter live local but my older daughter recently relocated to CA for an AMAZING job offer and I miss her and my granddaughter so very much! Like most of you my life has been a series of twists and turns. In the early 90s I found myself to be a single mother raising 3 children to the very best of my ability and to say I did something right amongst enormous challenges would be an understatement because they are my greatest accomplishment. I met and fell in love with the man I thought would be my forever. I loved him with every ounce of my being. We were together for 16 years and in February of 2013 we were finally married and I could not have been a happier bride. On Feb 22nd 2014 we went to dinner for our 1st anniversary where we got married and he told me he didn’t think he wanted forever anymore. The room could have swallowed me whole. To say I broke would be a gross understatement. But I tried desperately to fix us, to fix what was broken. I tried to shrink myself so my presence wasn’t so difficult for him. I tried to give him room to breathe and figure it out but at the same time I wanted so badly to save us. On the Friday before Mother’s Day of that same year he came home and told me one of us had to go and it made more sense for it to be me. So I packed a small bag of clothes and I did what he wanted. I still believed we would somehow survive and so for months I lived with only that duffel bag of clothes because I couldn’t bear to remove my belongings. We didn’t survive and I never moved back home. I cried every day for a year. There were days I didn’t think I would survive. But I did. On May 6th, 2015, exactly one year from that fateful day that he came home and told me I had to go, I quietly took off my wedding rings and locked them away and took back my life. And here I am-almost 5 years later-stronger, I would like to think wiser, somewhat jaded, standing tall and proud as a survivor and no longer a victim! I’m in a good place now. I have a good man who loves me with his whole being and I’m grateful for him and his love.
Fast forward to 2018. It was a roller coaster of a year and so emotional for me. October was a particularly hard month. I spent much of it ill and it left me feeling depleted, lost, empty, guilty and inadequate both in my work and at home. I felt surrounded by negativity, mostly my own self-loathing that I piled on myself. I ended October of last year at a beautiful reiki session with a dear friend who shared with me that it was time for me embrace embrace embrace. And so now I have come to carve out space for myself and find my way back to my center. After years of being told all the things I am too much of to stop apologizing. To stop feeling like I am too much of anything and to embrace, really fully embrace, the loving sensitive emotional soul that I am. That’s the short version of my story.
I have not settled into 2019 yet. I’m still floating through my days trying to find my footing. Things have been a little bit of an uproar in my little corner of the world. Lots of thrashing and fighting and unrest inside myself. I know what I want for 2019 but haven’t found my path yet. I have barely had time to recover from the busyness and excitement of the 2018 Holidays before illness struck me and then some other stuff came at me. I tore my meniscus and that derailed me for a time. I took a glorious 2 week vacation to CA and I thought I would FINALLY turn that corner. And then this morning I was diagnosed with shingles. Detailed again. I’m tired. I’m very very tired. I feel like I’m in a fog. So I haven’t fully embraced the power within myself as of yet, but I will, and this blog is going to help me find it. I know it’s there. I know I need only to tap into it. I know I just need to dig a little deeper. But first, I just need to rest. Peace and love to all